Ask the Rabbi: Visiting a Grave
Written by Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Romain Friday, 19 March 2010
Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Romain of Maidenhead Synagogue addresses your questions. This week's question: "I know there is a custom that we do not visit the grave until the stone setting. However, I would like to go to my mother’s grave on her birthday, which is before then. Am I offending against some religious law that could jeopardise my mum's soul from ascending to heaven?"The custom you mention of not visiting a grave until the stone is up - or during the first year of mourning - is limited to certain families only and is not a mainstream Jewish tradition or law. On the contrary, it is considered meritorious to visit a grave, while there are also specific times when one is encouraged to do so, such as the period before the High Holy Days.
Moreover, many people find it helpful in terms of expressing their grief to go to the grave during that first year, and be as physically near to the deceased as possible. Going there on her birthday would be an obvious time to spend time with her. The only concern would be if someone went too often and thereby felt unable to ‘let go’ of the person they had lost. During the first intense period of loss, some go daily, but that should become more occasional after a week or so, and gradually lessen as they re-enter the stream of everyday life and learn to live without that person.
I would refute the idea that you are jeopardising her soul by this or any other action or inaction on your part. Whatever happens to a soul after death is according to its own merits whilst on earth. There is a notion in some circles that saying kaddish helps the deceased, but this is mere superstition. The purpose of saying kaddish daily or weekly is partly to honour the person who has died, and partly as a way of structuring the mourning of their closest relatives. Of course, when you go to the grave you do not just have to say the formal prayers. You can stand in silence, or say your own prayers, or just sit nearby and read a book, keeping her company, so to speak.
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